35. And I cannot wait to get out of this place.
Yesterday I stayed late at work because I need to catch up on some hours, but
tonight we get to visit the new class of my son in kindergarten, so I am glad I
can leave at 4 pm. I do not think I would be able to stay here longer. And it
is stupid, I know, but it is all because even though I got some birthday
wishes, I did not get any birthday kisses. That is really bugging me. There is
still this tiny shred of hope inside me that maybe they will come at lunch when
I treat them on some tiramisu, but I doubt it. I know it is only because I am
in dire need of some affection, physical affection. But I know it is also not
fair to expect that from these people. Or people in general. Sometimes I think
there is no affection in this world. No true affection. No heart-felt
expressions of love towards other people. It does not exist.
I did receive a text from Rachel; I had almost forgot
I was hoping for that. That put me in a better mood immediately.
So I guess a simple wish is a form of affection. You
take the time to congratulate a person on their existence, essentially. So it
is only done by people who hold you dear.
I wonder why I always see things so black and white;
all or nothing. Why if I cannot be the hero, I have to be the villain. That is
not how the world is. We are a world of in-betweens. Nothing is strictly any
one thing. Like that math example that is going around: nine is not strictly
six plus three; nine is also four plus five. Or ten minus one. Or an infinity of
other possibilities. That is what the world is like: the world is an infinity.
I am a very private person, yet I am an open book.
If you don’t ask…I won’t tell.
Last Thursday I finally went out with someone again. Not on a date; it was just hanging out together, for drinks and dinner. It was with Rachel. I had not seen her in two years, so it was great to catch up on things. We had fun. She told me she and some friends had assembled a group of singles who often do stuff together, people any one of them can call if they want to do something in particular and want someone to join them. She said she would invite me for their next meeting. So I hope this will lead to some more social interactions and less alone time.
Last Friday I had a nice talk with Emma, about work, about relationships. It has really helped to put things into perspective with her. It has also helped that she has been working in the office the past week; her constant presence has demystified her. Spending the extra time with her made her more approachable and even more of a true colleague.
Today, however, she came in with a serious bad mood. A depressed mood, actually. She had some words with her idiot boyfriend and I felt really sorry for her. But she is clearly stand-offish and distant, so I am not pressing matters.
It comes at a weird time for me because tonight I am going back to my doctor to get that new subscription for my antidepressants. I know I was supposed to slowly quit them, but several times lately I found myself thinking that I could really use a full dose instead of half of one. My state of mind in my free time is okay, but when I am at work it feels as if I am a zombie. Of course work is slow and that plays a huge part, but my mind keeps longing for escape, to get out of that place and just enjoy myself on my own. It is the exact opposite of how I threw myself into work completely when all this started, coming in early and leaving late because I did not want to sit in my house all alone. Now I am counting down the minutes until I can go home again.
My time machine got stuck in your throat, it happens.
The Doctor, “Doctor Who”